Your Motives: A Key to Healthier Conflict and Stronger Relationships
When it comes to relationships, understanding your motive—what’s really driving your words and actions—can be a game changer. We all have motives, whether we’re aware of them or not, and they shape how we show up for our partners. The thing is, if we’re not conscious of our intentions, we can easily fall into negative patterns that hurt the connection we’re trying to nurture.
Think about it: when we’re in conflict, what’s the motive behind our words? Is it to hurt our partner? To be right? To make them feel bad or guilty? When our motives are driven by fear—fear of being wrong, fear of vulnerability, fear of rejection—things tend to go south fast. Those actions, even if unintentional, come across as defensive, and they create distance instead of connection.
But here’s the flip side—what if your motive was curiosity? Or love? Or a genuine desire to understand your partner’s perspective? When you come at conflict from a place of openness and care, it changes everything. The energy between you two shifts from defensive and combative to collaborative and connected.
So how do you shift from fear-driven motives to love-driven ones in real time? Let’s break it down:
1. Pause and Reflect: “What’s My Motive Right Now?”
The first step is awareness. When you feel that rush of emotion during a disagreement—whether it's anger, frustration, or defensiveness—pause for a moment. Ask yourself, What’s my motive right now? Are you trying to protect your ego? Are you seeking validation? Or do you truly want to understand your partner and work through the issue together? Taking a second to check in with yourself can help you hit the reset button before reacting. Reflecting on your motives helps you step out of the reactive, autopilot mode and into a more intentional space. It gives you the chance to course-correct before you say something you might regret.
2. Shift from “Being Right” to “Being Curious”
Instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong, try shifting your mindset to curiosity. Ask yourself, What is my partner’s experience right now? What are they feeling? Let go of the need to win the argument and, instead, focus on understanding the bigger picture. You might even ask your partner, Can you help me understand where you’re coming from? Approaching conflict with curiosity fosters connection rather than division. It opens up space for empathy, which helps you and your partner feel seen and heard—an essential part of a healthy relationship.
3. Choose Love Over Fear
Fear can show up in many forms: defensiveness, anger, or the urge to punish your partner for what feels like an offense. But love? Love shows up as vulnerability, compassion, and empathy. When you’re in conflict, try to remind yourself of the love you feel for your partner. Instead of reacting with fear, ask yourself how you can express that love in your response. Love-based responses create safety and trust. When your partner feels that you’re acting out of care and respect, they’re more likely to lower their defenses and engage more openly.
4. Communicate with Compassion
After reflecting on your motives and shifting your mindset, express yourself with compassion. Instead of blaming or criticizing your partner, focus on your own feelings and needs. Use “I” statements to express how you’re feeling (e.g., “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”). Invite your partner into the conversation by asking open-ended questions and actively listening to their response. Compassionate communication encourages vulnerability and emotional intimacy. It helps both partners feel heard and respected, which creates a more secure foundation for the relationship.
5. Take Responsibility for Your Actions
Own your part in the conflict, even if it’s just a small piece. Acknowledging your role doesn’t mean you’re admitting fault; it means you’re taking responsibility for the dynamics you’re contributing to. This can be a powerful way to model accountability and vulnerability, which helps to heal the emotional wounds created during the argument. Taking responsibility shifts the focus from blame to collaboration. It shows that you care more about the health of the relationship than about “winning” the argument.
6. Reconnect Through Empathy and Compassion
After the dust settles, take time to reconnect with your partner. Sometimes, it’s not just about resolving the conflict—it’s about making sure that your partner feels loved and understood despite the disagreement. Practice empathy by affirming your partner’s emotions and expressing your support, even if you still don’t agree on everything.
Reconnection after conflict strengthens the emotional bond. When you show empathy, it reassures your partner that the relationship is more important than the conflict itself. When you operate from a motive of love, curiosity, and understanding, even tough conversations become opportunities to grow closer. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being intentional. Every time you ask yourself, What’s my motive here?, you get a chance to reset and choose a more loving, productive path forward. And as you consistently practice this, you’ll find that your relationship becomes stronger, more trusting, and more connected.
At the end of the day, the motive behind your actions can either pull you apart or bring you together. Choosing love, rather than fear, is the key to navigating conflict with grace and building a relationship that can withstand the inevitable ups and downs.
